When It's Hard To Obey

I know God is right.

I know His way, is the Good Way.

I know He takes me to joy and He has my best in His mind.

But I don't like it!

I am a child at my heart.

A hard hearted and headed child who willfully wishes to have it her way.

After hurting myself until I could not hurt more,

I accepted, unwillingly, that I could not continue alone.

But I did not like it.

I go where You send me, I do as You wish,

And I obey You without a word.

But in my heart I rebel.

Why can't Your way be my way?

Why can't You seen things the way I see them?

Why can't You work the world the way I wish?

I accept and obey, but I do not love it.

I don't find the joy in the obedience.

Is it time to find that joy?

Are You done teaching me?

Have I managed to learn something?

Or have You secretly changed my heart, in Your loving, sweet way?

Why are You so gentle with me?

Why do You carry me through the storm I have caused?

Why do You protect me from the fire I have started?

Why am I, like a baby bird safe in her nest, even among the hurricane?

Why am I loved?

Why am I cherished?

Why do You seek me when I pout and try to hide from You?

Why do You protect my heart from breaking into thousands of pieces?

When I break Your heart every day.

Give me the joy of obedience.

Help me to find the content in following Your way.

The true happiness that waits me in You.

Let me see a glimpse of that moment, of Your presence.

Give me a taste of Joy.

Where is God when You are Sad and Alone?

Four months ago I left my home of more than three years.

A home that we had made together with my son.

It was hard, he missed his dad, it was a new place, new school, new friends.

And for me it was a new place, new people to work with, new climate everything was new.

But we made our home and we were blessed.

Then our financial support ended, we had to end the work I was doing and we had to leave our home.

It was an end and a new beginning.

A beginning we weren't so happy about.

My husband asked me to move back to our home, he told me he was sorry.

So we decided to risk it all and go back.

There has been many days when my son has said he wishes to be back in our home, with his friends, in his old school.

When he didn't wish to be with his dad again.

When he would say he was happier when there were just the two of us.

There has been many moments I have missed my work.

So many moments when I have missed the wonderful people I was able to work with.

The warm and loving, funny Kichwa people who opened their jungle villages, homes and families to me.

And now I'm here in the cold Andes.

Not knowing what God has planned for me.

Just clinging on the hope that there is a plan.

That something will happen.

That this not-doing, not-working, not-having friends, almost not-having God with me isn't the all.

I cling on to the hope that God is with me, where ever I may go.

But is God with me when I'm sad and alone?

I am jobless, and I feel homeless.

Like this house where I'm currently living in belongs to someone else and I'm just a visitor.

My only work is being a mother and a wife, and it feels so strange after so many years of having a job of my own.

Of feeling that I was doing something for God and for other people.

I don't know myself anymore.

And it makes me feel so sad and alone.

The few familiar things left to me are my Bible and my books.

Not even a church where I could go to.

And I haven't been able to find a living, breathing God on those pages.

I felt that not even my prayers have really been lifted to the heaven but they have stayed.

Heavily hanging over the earth and my heart.

I have felt so sad and alone.

Abandoned by everyone else.

Until I finally had the courage to look in the eyes of the pastor.

And there was joy and hope.

There was a person who saw my worth.

A person who was excited to have me in his team.

Who was delighted that I would be there to help our in our work.

Who knew that there was a plan for me.

Who told me that God had made me a place.

Here in this cold town that felt so indifferent to me.

Where was God when I was sad and alone?

Preparing the place for me.

Making sure I would find the right people.

That I would fall into the place He had meant for me all the time.

That I would be doing the work He wanted me to do.

Not what I imagined would be the best use of my talent.

Not with the people I imagined would need me.

But in a place, in a time and in a way that He had prepared for me.