God's gentelness and our pain

When I was a teenager I prayed God.

I asked Him to make me a reflection of Him.

To take away everything unnecessary.

 

We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be. C. S. Lewis

To take away my pride and to help me to always obey Him.

To make sure that His will would always happen.

It was the most dangerous prayer I could have ever prayed.

Pain insists upon being attended to.

God whispers to us in our pleasures,

speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains.

It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.

C. S. Lewis

After that prayer I had a series of heartbreaks, disappointments, frustrations, and failures.

I felt shame.

And I felt pain.

Like never before.

It hurt so much that I actually turned away from God.

I could not accept His view for my life, and His purposes.

I could not accept that He knew better.

Or if I accepted that He knew better, I couldn’t accept that He really had thought it through.

And stubbornly I treaded on.

Until it was impossible and my life fell into pieces.

God can't give us peace and happiness apart from Himself because there is no such thing. C. S. Lewis

Even then I could not accept that it was because of me.

But I blamed God, I blamed everyone else and I hurt.

I was in pain and there was nothing else in my life.

It took years to overcome.

I pray because I can't help myself. I pray because I'm helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time- waking and sleeping. It doesn't change God- it changes me. C. S. Lewis

  

Today I pray:

¹⁷ Though the fig tree does not bud
    and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
    and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
    and no cattle in the stalls,
¹⁸ yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
    I will be joyful in God my Savior.

Habakkuk 3:17-18

(NIV)

God, take away everything unnecessary.

Burn all that does not matter and does not make me reflect your love and image to other people.

Make me humble and loving towards other people.

Make your love shine through me, so it is You.

Always You, and not me.

Help me to obey your will and not listen to my own pleasure.

And do it gently.

Please, God, always be gentle with me.

Because I have learned that I am not strong.

I have shattered and I need You.

Amen

The word of God is living and active

One thing that I find so wonderful about being a child of God is that I don't need to conform. God always wants us to seek more, more of His grace, more of His love, more of His care and comprehension, more of life and adventure with Him.

In Romans 12:2 Paul says: “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will”.

Romans 12:2 “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will”.

I want to be transformed by God’s will. I know it’s a risk, a risk to be ridiculed, a risk to feel inadequate, a risk to loose friends and worldly goods, a risk to be changed as a person. At one point, I think, all that has happened to me. And it has hurt! Oh, how it has hurt.

It has hurt so much that for a time I didn’t want to know anything about God. I wanted to walk alone and most of all, I wanted to conform. Be just like everyone else, part of the pattern of this world. 

Psalm 40:1 “I waited patiently for the LORD. He turned to me, and heard my cry.”

But once God has touched you, you’ll always have a hole in your soul. Hole with the size and form of God, and a longing that nothing else can fulfill.

I know that God must have suffered to see me so hurt and disappointed. Finally I grew and matured enough that I was able to understand that the hurt came from the disappointment in the people around me. Not because God had failed me. 

Psalm 31:7 “I will be glad and rejoice in your loving kindness, for you have seen my affliction. You have known my soul in adversities.”

After all I learned that God was there with me all the time. And I was able to sing, like David, in Psalm 31:7 “I will be glad and rejoice in your loving kindness, for you have seen my affliction. You have known my soul in adversities.”

There was a time in my life that I would hear this soundtrack in my mind of Halleluiah and different worship songs. Because there was no other way to express how amazed I was by God’s love and forgiveness. I may not have been patient as the songwriter in the Psalm 40:1 “I waited patiently for the LORD. He turned to me, and heard my cry.” But even so, God did hear my cry. And I am learning to be patient.

My circumstances hadn’t really changed. I still had my reason to suffer. But I had learned something valuable, mainly that “Happiness isn't something that depends on our surroundings... It's something we make inside ourselves.” ― Corrie Ten Boom.

“Happiness isn't something that depends on our surroundings... It's something we make inside ourselves.” ― Corrie Ten Boom

Sometimes I feel that I shouldn’t have to need such dire circumstances to learn to be happy and have joy in my life. But then I remember how obstinate I am. And I do need them. I need more and something far worse. Just like C. S. Lewis says in The Problem of Pain: “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”
 

Although I have another reason to be thankful. I have finally learned what Paul meant in

Philippians 4:6: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”

“God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” C. S. Lewis -- The Problem of Pain

And all that pain and hurt has really paid off. The suffering was worth it. It was worth to learn not to trust myself or the people around me, or money, or work, or prestige, or education, or anything else of this world, to help me in my moment of plight.

Philippians 4:6: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”

“Be sure that the ins and outs of your individuality are no mystery to Him; and one day they will no longer be a mystery to you.” C. S. Lewis -- The Problem of Pain

I must assume that C. S. Lewis was right when he said in The Problem of Pain: “Be sure that the ins and outs of your individuality are no mystery to Him; and one day they will no longer be a mystery to you.”

I may not understand myself fully but I can be fully assured that God does understand me, in my entirety.

 After all, Paul wrote to the Hebrews 4:12: “For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.”

Hebrews 4:12: “For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.”